Where do I start?

Blogging has been a favorite hobby of mine for years but last year I could never quite keep up at it. And I know why... it was because a very dominant thing in my life was my bad health and stomach pain. I had a hard time blogging without constantly talking about being sick, and that made me sad. I kept thinking "Well, I guess I'll just wait and start writing again once I'm better". Turns out its been a year and I'm still nowhere near better.

The one thing that has changed over the past months is that my pain attacks have now become my new normal. While I'm still actively trying to find an answer, I have also come to accept that this is just the way it has to be right now. I'm angry that I let the pain take over my life last year and I refuse to let that happen this year. So now, I make plans and I go places and I fill my social calendar - pushing away that voice in the back of my head that says "but what if you're out and the pain attack comes? what will you do? what will people think?" I will go into further detail about these "attacks" in a later post. For now, I just want to stick to a broad overview of life at the moment.

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It's been a year as of Monday that Jake and I arrived at Travis AFB which seems crazy to me. A year goes by so fast! We've settled into life here, finally finished setting up/decorating the house, become very involved with his flying squadron, and have made some wonderful friends. I'm especially thankful for that last point considering Jake left for a deployment 2 weeks ago.

Here are the guys on their way over to Kuwait. And yes, I do find it weird that a bunch of pilots flew commercially over there :)

Ahh, deployment. This can definitely be a touchy topic to talk about...

Jake is gone for about 3 months this time, coming home at the end of May, on a ground deployment in Kuwait. Although Jake and I are not new to being apart, and this is definitely not the longest we've ever been apart, it is really hard. The reason I say that deployment talk can be touchy is because there are two sides to voicing how I feel (and I assume this is the same for a lot of military wives).

The military side tells me that 3 months is a short deployment and Kuwait is a relatively safe spot for him to be... that I should be so thankful because so many other military families, ones with children to take care of, are facing 9-12 month deployments with their husbands flying in combat or on the war front... that we have it so good because we get to talk by phone or email almost every day, even if just for 5 minutes... that no matter the case there is always someone who has it worse. Military spouses as a general group know that we just have to suck it up, tough it out, and keep ourselves busy until they get back home. There's this unspoken acknowledgement between us - that we all know that it's hard but that there is nothing we can do; so we don't stop to give each other pity, we simply just keep going on with our lives and suddenly this unique lifestyle becomes the norm.

But then there's the other side of how I feel. What should I call this, the non-military side? This side tells me that whether its 3 months or 3 days, whether it's our first deployment or our tenth, that it does suck and that it's okay to be sad sometimes and to miss my husband... to not discount the fact that he's gone for "only a short deployment" because he is gone and because the 5 minutes a day that I am so thankful for will never be enough.

So yes, deployments are tricky but I seem to be learning a lot about myself in the meantime. So from now until June, I am filling my social calendar with everything fun I can think of and keeping very busy :)

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Another big decision was made this past month... a very hard decision.  I decided to quit my full time job with Papyrus. This decision was not made lightly but in hindsight I can see that 100% it was the right thing for me to do. I don't really care to get into all of the details but mostly it came down to my bad health (never-ending dr visits, so many sick days, etc). I never felt like I could give them my best effort when half the work week I was in pain, and I felt unreliable because I never knew when an attack would be coming on. My boss was so wonderful and offered that if I ever wanted to come back to work with them that the door would be open; she has witnessed my medical struggles during the past 8 months of working there and understood that it was the best decision for me.

The plan is for me to go back to doing blog design and I have to admit I am SO very excited about that! I didn't even realized how much I missed it until I started playing around with some new ideas. I don't plan to jump into it at warp speed though; I want to take my time, revamp my website, rebrand my image, and rethink my design focus. I'm so excited about this and so very VERY thankful to have a job that I love that I can do from home so that on the days I don't feel good I can choose to work in bed or even not work at all.

I should also throw in a HUGE thank you to my wonderful hubby. He was so supportive of me in making this decision and encouraged me to do what was best for my health rather than what was best for our bank account :)

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There are several other things that I want to still want to talk about but some of them deserve individual blog posts, and in an effort to not make this first post hours long, I've decided that I'll blog about the rest later. For now, you've been caught up on the "big things" and so I am now able to get back to posting the fun, short "everyday" posts about life, and I promise to include lots of pictures :) Thanks for reading!

Pressing On...

I wanted to write this post separate from the last one because I did not want to taint my fun night at the concert with more sickness talk. Blah! But before I start my update I want to take a second to say how very thankful and appreciative I have been for all the sweet blog comments, texts, and emails I've received over the past week. It's so nice to know that people care about me and are praying and its helpful to hear that others have gone through similar situations and came out of it on top! So thank you, thank you, thank you!

And now for the update... I woke up this morning very early to another round of horrible stomach pain, same as Saturday and Sunday. I thought maybe it would pass before it was time for me to go to work but unfortunately it did not :/ I ended up deciding it would be best to stay home from work, which is not something I take lightly. Getting sick as often as I have been has shown me to use my sick days sparingly so I try to never take a sick day unless I'm either contagious or need to go to the ER. Today I just knew I wouldn't be able to make it through the workday. (PS. I'm so thankful to have a supportive boss and co-workers. They've been great to me through this.)

So I went to the hospital for some more testing and finally, thankfully, got an appointment scheduled for an endoscopy (which is set for the beginning of November). I had an endoscopy done back in January before I knew my gallbladder was not functioning and everything in my stomach looked fine then so the doctors have been hesitant to do another one, saying that there probably is nothing new. But I kept telling them that this pain I am having now is NOT the same pain I had in January: this pain is not in the same location, has a much greater pain level, and stays specifically in one area of my upper abdomen. My doctor finally agreed that its worth a look.

I'm not really optimistic at this point that they will find the source of my problem in the scope but at the very least they will be able to confirm whether or not I need to be taking this truck-load of medicine that I'm currently on for stomach "acid reduction". It really has bothered me to just be taking all these different medications without knowing if they are actually treating the cause or are just treating the symptoms.

So that's where I stand on the issue. I would love more than anything to just stop going to the doctors and hope this will go away on its own but I know that I need to keep being proactive until they figure it out. They have to eventually right? There's no way a person can experience so much pain for no reason. As for tonight I am almost feeling pretty normal again... hoping I will be able to finish out this week strong. And on a very happy ending note, Jake comes home tomorrow! These past 10 days he's been gone have felt like a month and I will be so glad to have him back, even for just a short time.

Keith Urban Concert!!

Last night Cassie and I went to see Keith Urban in concert in Sacramento and it was AWESOME! I didn't feel well at all yesterday (surprise, surprise) but I figured I was going to feel bad whether I was sitting at home or at the concert so I decided to still go. And actually it turned out to be a great distraction from the pain. We sang and danced and screamed like teenage girls - oh yes we did - it was such a fun time!

During of my favorite songs "Days Go By" I decided to snap a quick video. Hmm... right around 14 seconds it may or may not show Cass and I dancing around and having a ridiculously fun time ;)

And then came the best part! Right before the very last song, Keith started walking off the stage and out into the audience. We didn't have floor seats (we weren't in the nosebleeds either... kind of in the middle area straight back from the stage) so we thought there's no WAY he would be coming anywhere close to us. Wrong! He came all the way back to OUR section, one aisle over from us and stood on a platform and sang!! It was so cool being literally right in front of him at the concert! This picture is very blurry but you can at least see how close he was standing to us and I wasn't even zoomed in :)

So that was my awesome, not-so-normal Sunday night! So much fun. And best of all... it was absolutely FREE!

Weekend Update

This was a hard week. Short story is that I have just felt awful - all week :( Please pray for me because the pain is really wearing on me physically and emotionally. I'm trying to just push through the pain and live life as normal but its so hard, and I feel myself becoming bitter about the situation. Anyways, I don't really want to talk about that though... I want to focus on the positive...

...so on to more exciting topics! And this is one is very exciting :) Tonight I am going to see Keith Urban in concert! for FREE! (well, assuming my pain level stays mild enough). A friend of mine on base had won the concert tickets in a raffle and was not able to go at the last minute so she gave them away. I was so happy to get them because Keith Urban is one of my favorite country music artists and he puts on an awesome show! Cassie is driving up from Turlock to go with me and I'm so excited and ready to dance and sing the night away. I'm definitely going to be tired at work tomorrow but hey you're only young once, right?!

Another highlight of this weekend was my friend Becky's baby shower yesterday. I met Becky and a whole group of awesome ladies through a Bible study that I've recently joined. It's been so nice getting to know them and it's really refreshing to be around women who are so genuinely nice, fun & uplifting. Here are a few photos...

On a different note, the weather yesterday was so nice and cloudy and cool! It finally is starting to feel like fall and I am loving it. Fall is my favorite season! I've got my pumpkin spice candle burning as I write :) We are even supposed to have a few rainy days this week and I'm really looking forward to it! I know all my family reading this in the Northwest are probably thinking I'm crazy for wanting rain (ha!) but we really haven't had any since May. We desperately need a good rain to green up our grass and clean out the air. And I love the smell and feel of a rainy day - we definitely don't get that enough here.

So in preparation for the upcoming rainy days and winter season in general, I've been on the hunt for a dog house for the pups. The dogs really love being outside all day while I'm at work (as opposed to having to stay in their crates) and even in the fall and winter it never gets very cold here so it's very possible that they can stay outside during the day all year long. But when it does start to rain, especially with the high winds here on base, the patio doesn't provide them much shelter. I stopped by Lowe's to see what types of dog houses they had and found a perfect little shelter called a Dogloo!

It doesn't look very large in this photo because Bailey is laying in the narrow opening but in the back there is plenty of room for both dogs to snuggle up and keep warm and dry in case of a rainy day. It's funny though, when I first brought this home the dogs were terrified of it! They would not go in it or even close to it. I literally had to crawl in it myself and entice them treats to get them to come in and show them that it's not scary :) Now Bailey loves it and prefers to sleep in there even when the sun is shining. Dogs are so funny...

Well, I think that's all the time I have for blog updates today. There is a whole house waiting to be cleaned before the hubby gets back home on Tuesday morning - Oh and sheets to be washed too considering Bailey sleeps right on Jake's pillow when he's gone :) Hope you all are enjoying your weekend!

I'm coming back.

I missed a week of blogging. And then two more. And then a month went by. And another...
Now it's almost October - how did that happen? Remember when I used to blog every day? Twice a day even?

Honestly, I have been missing my blog so much lately and missing being able to write out my thoughts and experiences. Sometimes over the past few months I've found myself writing blogs in my head as if I was actually typing them out (wierd I know) but I could never get myself to the computer.

I think that after that first week, month, another month, of not blogging I started to feel really overwhelmed about all of the HUGE life events that I failed to write about. I felt that if I started writing I would be obligated to catch everyone up on everything that's been going on and frankly, that was just too big of a task. So there. That's why I've been avoiding my blog.

But I've made the decision - I'm coming back! So here's the "short version" recap of what's happened over the past few months:

1) My braces came off (woo to the hoo!) I can't believe that was the subject of my last post because it was so long ago, but seriously - Best feeling ever! And yes, totally worth it. Here's the picture I took as I was leaving the ortho office...

2) Jaclyn and Stephen got married and it was the most gorgeous wedding! I've never seen so much love in one place. They are just the most amazing couple! So happy for my little sis :)

3) I got a new job! I now work as a brand analyst for Papyrus (American Greetings) full time. It was quite the switch from designing blogs part time but it has been a pretty smooth transition so far. More blog posts to come about the job and its pros and cons (but mostly pros!)

4) I finished my schooling! It's so wonderful to have nights and weekends to do whatever I want now instead of doing school projects :)

5) Jake has been traveling the world a lot. A lot, a lot. He's been gone 2-3 weeks a month since May and that has been quite the adjustment. He's also getting ready to deploy in a few weeks and will be missing ALL of the holidays (so sad about that one). But he really is loving his job and finally getting to do what he's spent so many years training for.

6) Our new house has gotten so much more cozy! I've had a chance to decorate all the rooms except for our bedroom (I'm waiting because we'll hopefully be getting a king bed in the near future). I'd really like to post a video tour of the house sometime soon so that way all my family and friends who live far away can feel like they've seen it in person. Good plan? Here's a peak at our entry way and dining room...

7) Jake and I went on a long-awaited tropical vacation to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic! We've been trying to take this trip for a few years now and finally got to - and wow, it was so awesome! Totally worth the wait :)

8) I also really want to talk more about the squadron and base here at Travis and how it compares to life in pilot training/Mississippi. Overall its been really good so far and the spouse group especially is really great but believe it or not I do miss some aspects of UPT (never thought I'd say that! haha)

9) And then there is one more thing. The thing I hate talking about - me being sick. I'm sick of talking about being sick. I'm sick of being sick. Remember almost a YEAR ago when I first got sick? Yep, it never went away. I just learned how to deal with it. As of now, stomach pain is the big issue.

Every week or so I will get an excruciating stabbing pain in my upper abdomen that is so painful that I literally fall to the ground, moaning in pain and vomiting. Lovely, right? These "episodes" last for about 20-30 minutes and then I'm back to feeling completely fine. It blows my mind that I can go from feeling like I'm dying and then right back to normal again like nothing ever happened. I've seen doctors, specialists... I swear that the people in the ER know my name... I've had tests done, bloodwork, MRI, scans, you name it. GAH! This is easily the most frustrating thing I've ever had to deal with.

Up until today, I actually started to think I was healed. I hadn't had any "episodes" in almost a month and last week the gastroenternologist put me on a new medicine and I have been feeling great ever since! No pain at all. Kind of ironic that yesterday at lunch I told my friend Megan that I thought I finally found the answer to all of this and was so happy to finally be better. Spoke to soon...

Today right after lunch - out of NOWHERE, might I add - this pain decides to come back stronger than ever. When I felt it coming on, knowing it would come fast, I grabbed my things from my office and rushed to the car, desperate to get to my house or the ER or anywhere else - not wanting my boss and coworkers to see me in the agonizing, torturing pain that was about to come over me. Turns out the drive home was not quick enough and the pain came on strong while I was driving. I started vomiting (all over myself, my hair, my car...) and crying in pain. I decided to head straight to the ER. Jake is gone this week so I had to just be strong and deal with this on my own. I barely made it into the ER; literally as soon as I made into the lobby I collapsed in pain and they rushed me back to a room. I'm pretty sure they thought I was dying too. I've never seen people move SO fast to help me! And then, about 10 minutes later, the pain was gone. GONE! Completely gone and I was feeling back to normal. It happens like this every single time and makes absolutely no sense. It almost makes me more mad because the pain doesn't stay long enough for them to actually see it and do tests while it's happening.

Blah.

Anyways I just really wanted to vent about today's experience. Definitely not what I had planned for my day! And then it was hard coming home to an empty house - I just really needed somebody to take care of me, to talk through it and let me complain a little and process the days events.

So that's what led me back to my blog. And you know what? It feels SO good to write again. I have a feeling there's a lot more writing to come in the near future!

In the meantime, please PRAY for this medical mystery I am having. I'm starting to lose hope that it will ever go away or get resolved. I hate having to miss out on fun events and time with new friends because I don't feel well :( And if you need prayer for anything please let me know as well!

It was good catching up :)